Ive felt diffent lately. Not in the “life changed im a better person” way, but in the “why am i so sick of myself, my life going great” way. I feel sick. I havent been eating normally, my sleep is all fucked up; the way i think overall is differnt. Im scared im going to loose her because i text her too much, yet all she wants is me to be with her night and day. Im scared all of my friends are trying to avoid me because they keep saying they want to hang out, but nothing ever turns up. My chest hurts when i breathe. The air is sharp and painful. I feel like im so pent up, but there shouldnt be anything to be pent up. My life is pretty good. I have a loving, beautiful, kind-hearted girlfriend who would do anything for me, as i would her. I have cool friends who i feel in theory shouldnt like me because im a total nerd and their all smoker and skaters who have the hardest fits while im over here in a t-shirt and jeans everyday. My family is kind and giving, albeit strict. I have access to good, fresh food and running water. I have 10 whole acres of land to myself to do whatever i so please on. I hate that im like this, that im so self hating that despite everything good in my life, i have a subconcius need to ruin everything. My brother is doing better then me accademicly and socially. My friends are always so happy doing what they want to do, but not me. My friends, my brother, my family, all have ambitions for life and things within it. But me? I have no ambition. I dont know what i want or where to go. Maybe its because i think to much about the bullshit, the things nobody else does because they dont like it. My friends drown themselves with intoxocants to make the thoughts go away abd maybe thats why thier happy. Maybe my parents do the same. Maybe thats why sex is so focused in my mind all the time, because it cures things, even if just for a fleeting moment that lasts an eternity. Maybe its neurological imbalnce of chemicals to make me a real person, those are missing. Maybe thats why i have a want for a time i never experinced, because i wasnt meant to be here. I was meant to be there but i chose this life instead. I chose this life why agian? Why the fuck would i pick a life with neurological issues and mind wrenching pain at nothing? Why did i chose to do this? Isolate myself? Make myself so fucking hurt from my own choices that it makes me want to slit my fucking wrists? Maybe thats why i cant talk to anyone, and why i need to latch onto someone. Im depentant because im too goddamn stupid to something alone. Maybe its my fault my friends hate me, why my girlfriend doesnt want me anymore, but i dont wanta be alone anymore. I want her to tell me that we arent gonna be alone anymore. I dont want to hurt anymore. I want her to hold me while i sob. I dont trust anyone anymore. I just want to waste my life in this shit town, drowning my sorrows in inntoxicants and nicotine like everyone else. Maybe then ill be normal. Maybe when i get a fucking tolerance im not gonna be a laughing stock of my friends and girlfreind. I want to learn to be empty agian, to have nothing to hurt, but i dont want to not feel. I want to live, i want to experince but i dont want to be like this, dont want to experince fucking pure hatred agianst the inevetable, the exestintal, agianst myself for chosing this. I want to be connected, i want to do something. I want to be with a group of people i love and not feel left out or aqward. If you drained all the hormones from my body and fed it to somebody, they would either be jacked as fuck or be suicidal for 15 years. 15 years, wow. I cant imagine another 15, just as long, as painful, and full of suffering as the last. Fuck, do i even feel anything? I wish i could feel her arms around me, her warmth, her scent, and feel whole. I want to feel as if it’ll never end, but it does. Not because of us but because nothing in my life can ever go right for long. Everything will eventully crumble in my life because of me, because everyones goal is rip my brain in two and destroy everything. I jsut want to be released from my caage, to be free, to be released. I want her by my side. I never want to cry agian becuase its weak. I never want to hurt agian because thats weak. I want to be as whole as when im with her, but i need her. I want to be powerful like everyone else. 


I want to live damnit!


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